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Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, by Christine An
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The first love in our lives is our mother. Recognizing her face, her voice, the meaning of her moods, and her facial expressions is crucial to survival. Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer from borderline personality disorder produce children who may flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore. Four character profiles describe different symptom clusters that include the waif mother, the hermit mother, the queen mother, and the witch. Children of borderlines are at risk for developing this complex and devastating personality disorder themselves. Dr. Lawson's recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living with a 'make-believe' mother. Some readers may recognize their mothers as well as themselves in this book. They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships. Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim. A Jason Aronson Book
- Sales Rank: #92062 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Jason Aronson
- Published on: 2000-09
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.54" h x 1.12" w x 6.38" l, 1.50 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 331 pages
Features
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
This wonderfully readable book is totally devoid of jargon and pedantry. The writing is concise and simple, although the subject is complex and weighty. With picturesque nosology, Dr. Lawson writes about the waif, hermit, queen, and witch mothers. Her unique examination of borderline mothers and how they relate to their children culminates in a discussion of what can be done for both from an interpersonal perspective. Replete with clinical vignettes, this book is entertaining as well as informative. (Peter L. Giovacchini)
This well-researched and beautifully written book presents in graphic, specific, clinical detail overwhelming evidence to resolve any ambiguity about the relationship of the borderline mother to her children. The many faces of the borderline mother are nicely differentiated and described. Dr. Lawson also provides guidelines on how to manage a relationship with a borderline mother constructively. A helpful read for all therapists who work with borderline patients. (James F. Masterson)
Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment, lurks a borderline mother. Dr. Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion and terror into their children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen and witch mother, along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type. This spellbinding contribution to the literature provides effective treatment procedures for therapists working within the spectrum of borderline phenomenology. (Joan Lachkar)
Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure. (Christina Crawford)
From the Back Cover
"Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy, few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure." -Christina Crawford, M.A. -Author, Mommie Dearest
"This wonderfully readable book is totally devoid of jargon and pedantry. The writing is concise and simple, although the subject is complex and weighty. With picturesque nosology, Dr. Lawson writes about the waif, hermit, queen, and witch mothers. Her unique examination of borderline mothers and how they relate to their children culminates in a discussion of what can be done for both from an interpersonal perspective. Replete with clinical vignettes, this book is entertaining as well as informative." - Peter L. Giovacchini, M.D. - Author, Impact of Narcissism
"This well-researched and beautifully written book presents in graphic, specific, clinical detail overwhelming evidence to resolve any ambiguity about the relationship of the borderline mother to her children. The many faces of the borderline mother are nicely differentiated and described. Dr. Lawson also provides guidelines on how to manage a relationship with a borderline mother constructively. A helpful read for all therapists who work with borderline patients." -James F. Masterson, M.D. - Author, Psychotherapy of the Borderline Adult: A Developmental Approach
"Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment lurks a borderline mother. Dr. Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion and terror into their children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen and witch mother, along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type. This spellbinding contribution to the literature provides effective treatment procedures for therapists working within the spectrum of borderline phenomenology." -Joan Lachkar, Ph.D. -Author, The Many Faces of Abuse and The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple
About the Author
Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana. She has previously served as adjunct faculty at Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis, and Butler University.
Most helpful customer reviews
14 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
I am a survivor of a BPD mother and you are not alone.
By Susan Lucas
It took me almost 40 years to finally understand what was wrong with my mother. I truly felt no one, including my therapists, could relate or understand what I had been through. This book is a must read for anyone that has a parent with BPD. I'm not alone! I always felt that I was and it made me question my own sanity. This book helped me make sense of my mother and what was wrong with her. Most people with BPD will never seek help so they go undiagnosed. My mother has all the symptoms so there is really no doubt whatsoever that she is a BPD. She put me through hell as a child and continues to still and I am now 42. And to make matters worse my father was a sociopath. Both parents were crazy....cruel, violent, and totally unpredictable. Abusive on every level. Master manipulators and liers. They were the enemy. They didn't care about me and actually wanted to destroy me, destroy my soul. My happiness and success in life made them miserable and jealous. They had projected all their hatred onto me with expectations that I would be a total failure. However, I am strong, resilient and a survivor. I live a normal life, finishing my masters in education, own my home and farm, have lots of friends with a strong love for children, animals, art, adventure and nature. I have many passions, especially with horses. They are extremely healing and therapeutic. I left home at 14 and have kept my distance living in another state. I keep in touch with my mom but even phone calls are a challenge with her. This book has helped me make sense of her craziness and ensure me that it's not me, it really is her. Knowledge is power and I feel the more I can learn and understand this disorder, the more I can protect myself and my family. I live a very guarded life with good reason. No will understand except those that also have a BPD mother. I struggle to lead a normal, healthy life and to be able to provide that for my daughter. Luckily I did not end up with the same disorder but I do struggle with post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. I grew up in a crazy family and made it out alive and sane. If I only had this book to read 25 years ago it may have spared me the lifelong struggle that I went through alone. Very alone. No one knows my struggles and what I was facing. No one but those of you who are living the same struggle.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Changed my life
By Lisa
If I could give this book a thousands stars and then take the author to lunch I would. I cannot tell you what this book offered in terms of emotional relief but I will try. This book was like reading about most of my childhood. I finally at 34 years old had the epiphany that if this book was right then logically there was credible evidence that I was not actually a bad person. I realized at core that I believed I was bad. Truly bad. How can you see anything realistically or find happiness if you are bad at your core ? The felt what I would describe was an opening inside my heart. A space created to allow me to look over things that have happened differently. I feel quiet. For the first time perhaps ever ( while not on drugs ) I am quiet inside. There is no guilt, shame, self loathing, and feeling of pouncing on someone for putting me down. Just quiet. I feel nice. I feel quiet. These last 6 days have been so lovely. I am half way through the book and can't wait to see what it says next. Thank god for this book. I have hated myself for most of my life and tried destroying myself to make the self loathing end for so long. But I'm not bad. I don't know what I am but not being bad is a really nice start. Thank you Chrisrine Lawson. Thank you.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
VALIDATION IN A BOOK. MY PERSONAL BIBLE.
By Amazon Customer
I first sought counseling at my university's mental health center for PTSD following a traumatic event. During only my first month of counseling (2005), the therapist let me borrow her personal copy of this book. She told me and I quote, "Your mother reminds me of mine." I read the first 60 pages in one sitting around bedtime that night, and fell asleep with the light on and the book in my lap. I read the entire book in only about 3 days. I couldn't BELIEVE that this ONE book weaved the entire web together for me. FINALLY AFTER 24 YEARS OF SUFFERING AND CONFUSION, I found the Truth. I purchased my own copy and a set of highlighters and re-read the book a several weeks later. I kept that copy for myself.
I also purchased the auxiliary book, Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem, which is geared toward OVERCOMING the bad habits and complexes we've learned from our BPD mothers. I also purchased a book about "quiet" borderlines. For many years, I acted as a quiet borderline, or Waif, as a direct result of my noisy, or Witch, mother. As of today, nearly 10 years later, I can barely recognize the person I've become. Who I used to be feels and looks like another person--a very sad person, too. I believe these books help explain the multigenerational dysfunction in my family tree. Since my initial reading, I have purchased copies for my cousins, too. I feel that my mother and all of her 4 sisters have variations of BPD. My cousins feel the same about their mother.I especially enjoyed the descriptions of the men who love the BPD types: Witch, Waif, Hermit, Queen. My mother has been all 4 types, depending on her life situation and...drum roll, please...MOOD. My mother has an especially strong case of the Witch-style BPD, and I fully believe that my mother could be diagnosed as a Sociopath, having been cruel to her children and animals throughout her life. Only one line in this book mentions cruelty to animals. Yet, it was enough to get me to google-search female sociopathy.
Despite popular and medical belief in the USA about BPD, I do NOT feel that it is a mental illness (ie, disease). Like the British, I believe it is a learned pattern of disordered thinking that starts in very early childhood. In my opinion, medication will not help them, especially, in the long-run. In fact, I think it can make them worse. With mental health, there's no such a thing as a Magic Pill. They need to first realize they have a (serious) problem, get professional help, and then re-learn how to interpret events, human interactions, their reactions because this creates (their) reality, which they believe is ABSOLUTE REALITY. I gently approached my mother about BPD via email and she denied even having any faults---it's everyone else, MYSELF included. I have not had any real contact with her since 2007 in an effort to save my own sanity and self-respect, and my only regret is not doing it sooner--like 1998 sooner.
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